This Area 51 Storming Plan Has Got to End

Everyone and their grandma apparently has signed the petition to storm Area 51 and discover all the juicy, alien secrets within. More than 1 million people have joined the event saying they “plan to attend the raid” on Area 51. That’s absolutely insane.

Man, if you wanna see some weird shit, there’s better ways than by storming a MILITARY BASE. For example: K-Pop stans? LeBron stans? Nicki Minaj stans? Horny comment section dudes? Whatever is in the sock drawer in your mother’s armoire.

I will say, however, the Area 51 storming memes have been unreal. Pure comedy. Some examples below:

The Air Force has since responded basically saying they’re ready and willing to fuck up every one of the invaders if need be and I just gotta say…damn. No chance in hell this “raid” actually happens, but I’d love to be there (from a safe distance) watching 1.1 million emos lace up their vans, the sound of 500,000 monster cans cracking open all at once.

But against the Air Force? No fucking chance. Y’all seem to forget the Air Force’s most famous mission: DROPPING NUKES ON JAPAN. All that’d be left of the “raid” would be a fine mist and the subtle scent of Hot Topic in the air.

Look, Brad, I’d love to see some aliens too, but I gotta say, you’re gonna be mighty disappointed when mom says no sleepovers to your new alien best buddy.

But hey, good luck, let me know if ya find some aliens.

The Thiccest NBA Players, Ranked

Look, it doesn’t matter who you are, everyone loves a big ol booty. The players over at the Nice Booty Association, NBA for short, have low key cornered the thicc market.

5. Tristan Thompson

A full holiday ham. The bane of Khloe Kardashian. Definitely thicc.

4. Kyle Lowry

The cheeks to upper body ratio is just off the charts.

3. Carmelo Anthony

The league just isn’t the same without Carmelo dragging that wagon up and down the court.

2. Zion Williamson

The king of chonk, himself. At 19 years old, this kids got virtually unlimited growth potential. If ya know what I mean.

1. Guerschon Yabusele

UN. REAL. In awe at the size of this lad. A dump truck and a HALF. Get this man a wheelbarrow good lawd.

The Bagel Boss Guy is the Unintentional King of the Internet

If you haven’t seen the bagel boss guy yet, what are you doin dude. It is a must-see video of the most rage bundled in the smallest body known to man.

Here’s the original video:

What an absolute meltdown, temper tantrum from this guy. So much sexual frustration just exploding from the very core of this little man. It’s like a dwarf star going supernova. Pun semi intended. This loose cannon only has time for THREE PEOPLE: 1. God. 2. My dad. 3. My boss.

But what’s even better is the hilarious run this guy is on, an absolute content machine.

Like John Lennon, I too, am a prophet of the modern era. But bad news for potential murderers, you just can’t stop this man from spreading his message of peace to the world.

This poor man just cannot catch a break

Overnight, bagel boss guy has begun complete internet dominance and the memes are flowing:

One dude even made an ASMR version which is just pure comedy:

Don’t get me wrong, this guy’s probably had a rough life, and clearly has not had much luck on the aforementioned dating sites, but buddy…ya can’t go baby hulk in the bagel shop. Ya just can’t.

I, for one, feel incredibly lucky to live in a world with a content factory like this guy, so long as I never actually have to interact with him.

You may be short in stature, but your legacy is the of the gods, (maybe even your boss and father too).

Both LA NBA Teams Are Way More Optimistic Than They Should Be.

If you’ve opened Twitter in the last month, you’d assume either the Clippers or the Lakers already won the 2020 NBA title. Why? WHY. Both teams have such a small margin for error to even make the WCF in a ridiculously tough conference.

The Lakers

Let’s start with the Lakers. The most annoying and ignorant franchise on earth. The head office that was the laughing stock of the NBA lucked into signing LeBron, then gave up the house for AD’s last contract year. A team that did not even make the playoffs last year, with LeBron? Add in AD, who it would be a miracle if he played 50 games and suddenly you’re a guaranteed NBA title??? With a rapidly aging superstar who is undeniably one of the worst/hardest teammates to play with in the league, and gives less and less effort every season? Add in a bunch of bums and aging veterans and suddenly you’re a guarantee? There are so many holes with this team that dumb Laker fans simply refuse to acknowledge. Even if LBJ and AD combine for 80 ppg, the Lakers could still lose tons of games by double digits based off their supporting roster.

Knowing LeBron and AD, they’ll will their way to the playoffs, but I wouldn’t be surprised if they barely snag a 5th seed or even lower.

The Clippers

The Clippers, not to be outdone, followed big brother’s footsteps, got two incredible players, gutted their own future. Kawhi is arguably the best player in the NBA today, but again, with his old management needs, I’d be surprised if he played more than 60 games. Paul George hasn’t had a healthy shoulder since the day he was born. Now the clippers are saying he’s likely to miss the first couple months of next season. Both Kawhi and PG can become free agents at the end of the 2021 season. That means PG is already set to miss a huge chunk of his entire stay with the Clips. Admittedly, the Clippers have a much more complete and deep roster than the Lakers, and time missed by the two superstars could more easily be compensated by their depth, but in no way are they a guarantee either. They’re a few injury flare ups away from the 8 seed.

Look, both teams are going to be competitive this season, and potential contenders come playoff time, but to go ahead and put a guarantee on an LA team winning the title is insanity. Absolute insanity.

Finally, it’s a little embarrassing how little both teams have considered the future. Neither team has any picks or mobility for the next few years, LBJ is about to retire, Kawhi has forced his way out of two teams in two seasons, PG and Kawhi could both leave after two years (when the full effects of no picks set in), AD only has one year left on his contract, which is always scary for an injury prone superstar.

LA. Calm down.

The Difficulty with the Equal Pay for the USWNT Argument

The US women won the World Cup again, solidifying themselves as one of the top dynasties of all time in the sport of soccer/football. In fact, there was not a single minute in the entire World Cup that the US team were losing.

In light of this dominance, a renewed argument sparked by the women on the team over equal pay to the men’s team has re-emerged, with many citing the success of the women and the coincident failure of the men as reason enough for closing the wage gap.

The equal pay argument, however, quickly gets muddled when you consider a few important points:

  1. In the US from 2016-2018, the women’s team has actually generated more revenue than the men’s team, by close to a $1million.
  2. In less developed nations, women’s soccer actually brings in increasing less and less of a percentage of what the men’s team brings in as revenue.
  3. FIFA actually pays out the women’s World Cup teams 13% of the revenue earned at their World Cup, and the men’s teams about 9%, suggesting that the the women’s teams actually have the upper hand in any revenue-to-wage debate.

In light of those 3 points, the argument gets significantly muddied. It is important that men and women receive “equivalent compensation.” But what does that mean? Women’s league teams simply can not afford to pay women at the rates that men are paid because they don’t bring in nearly enough revenue anywhere in the world. In the US, the women’s national team brings in more than the men’s, true, but the MLS, on the other hand, brings in about 15 times (or more) than the WMLS. In similar leagues throughout the world, the disparity is even larger. Furthermore, the US is the ONLY country where the national team brings in anywhere close to the men’s national team. FIFA makes more in revenue (and profit) on the men, but also presents a dangerous catch 22. The top performing women’s team (US) makes significantly more from FIFA than lower ranked teams. These lower ranked teams make less from FIFA, also make less from their respective pro/semi pro leagues. This, in a “man’s world” would be explained as a basis for competition. However, in many cases, the women’s teams around the world are unable to compete or promote better play, since players have more incentive to earn more money elsewhere.

Armed with these facts, I believe there are solutions to improving pay for women’s teams while also driving revenue from women’s teams higher. This solution can be investment from FIFA into the infrastructure of world team development, increase promotion of women’s events, and maintaining strict standards for rates of revenue diverted from FIFA and local leagues to the women who play in them, so that as revenue rises for women’s teams, wages rise proportionally.

Stranger Things 3: Instant Reactions, Review

*WARNING: Major Show Spoilers in This Blog*

Major Takeaways from Season 3: The Good, The Eh?, and The Bad.

The Good

El is still as bad ass as ever – I mean come on, when she crushed those Russians with a car? Phenomenal. The casual slam of the door on Hop? Relatable. The spying on Mike and Lucas? She does what she wants. EXTRACTING AN ALIEN SENTIENT TOOTH FROM HER OWN DAMN LEG? UN. BE. LIEVE. ABLE. An archetypal hero who still needs help from her friends and makeshift father. Somehow a relatable young teen, yet capable of ripping a human-meat-monster clear in half. Bad ass.

Robin is an awesome addition, and an important LGBT character. She’s smart, funny, quick-witted, and a good foil to Steve’s goofy, emotionally immature character. It’s revealed late in the season that Robin is attracted to women, yet leaves her sexuality ill-defined. Robin is a great character and certainly adds to the show, while not being defined as “the gay character;” she can and is gay, while still contributing meaningfully to the storyline as more than just her gay-ness. This is finally a good representation of LGBT people being functional characters in important roles not defined by their sexuality.

Hopper isn’t dead. No chance. You think Hop’s dead? That’s on you. Where was the body? Where was the blood? Did anyone actually see him die? THE ANSWER IS NO BECAUSE HE IS NOT DEAD. My theory: Hopper was transported to the upside down during the explosion and is now trapped on the other side. Bet me.

The Eh?

The eating of the chemicals….why? We never got an answer as to why the flayed people were fixated on gorging themselves with chemicals. It seemed to be a major plot point, but then was never resolved. It would seem that we likely will never get an answer now, since the mind flayer is dead, or at least, the mind flayer on this side of the wall.

Season 3 ‘played the hits.” They split up the characters into groups, notably the Dustin-Steve pairing, with the new Erica and Robin additions. Nosebleeds and lots of time spent remote viewing. The sacrificial sympathetic hero. Some major plot points seemed like repackaged season 2 material, with the whole focus on the mind flayer and the resulting groups fighting the darkness.

Alexei said the Russians came to Indiana because the wall to the upside down was thin there. But. The last scene of the season, in Kamchatka (Russia), the soviets clearly have already accessed the upside down, since they have a demagorgon trapped in their siberian dungeon. Which begs the question: If the Russians knew what was on the otherside of the wall (which they clearly did), why would they want to open the gate in Hawkins? Maybe to destroy America? Seems to be easier, more effective, safer (for Russia) ways to do that.

The Bad

The whole Russian conspiracy? Not a terrible idea at face value, but it certainly had some flaws in development. Hundreds of Russians move to a tiny Indiana town all at once and no one is suspicious? Do they just stay underground at all hours? How do they get enough food and water down there? The whole concept that they needed the mall “as cover” really just doesn’t hold any water. If the Russians are capable of developing a massive underground city, described by Erica as “more than 10 miles,” than they are certainly more than capable of sneaking the necessary breaching components in through one of the many side properties they own. A lot less obvious than hundreds of non-English speakers roaming a small town Indiana mall. And seriously, a multi-million dollar mall? Really unnecessary. Even if you suspend belief, say for whatever reason, they need this massive underground city-mall complex. Why do they use the SLOWEST red carts on the planet to transport fuel cells? WHY. Just build a direct elevator over the weapon and take the fuel cells directly down?

What was the point of mind-controlling the small army of people? If the mind flayer was just going to consume them all anyways, why not just use Billy as bait, then consume them to begin with? The ruse really seemed unnecessary and a waste of time. A plot device for stalling while the kids decipher what is going on with Billy. Billy said that the mind flayer was building up to fight El, and that he was only ready to attack because they “could see El now.” Does the mind flayer not remember the last time he saw El…end of last season?

Finally, I don’t understand the death of the mind flayer? Will Byers led the audience to believe that the mind flayer existed in their world because a piece of it was cast out of Will after El closed the gate in season 2. Sooo….why does closing the gate in season 3 kill the mind flayer? The whole premise for the villain to be alive is a remnant of him survived the gate closing in season 2, grew huge with power, and then is killed by the very thing that couldn’t kill it when it was at its weakest in season 2? Seems…irresponsibly written at best.

Overall Reaction

I, being a normal human, am a big fan of the Stranger Things franchise. There were alot of things I liked about this season, and they seemingly did a much better job of setting up future Russian-based seasons. El remains an incredibly strong heroine for the series, with a cast of diverse characters with varying opinions and motivations. With a good mix of emotion, relatability, and special effects, Stranger Things continues to deliver on its original promise: a group of unspectacular kids, with unspectacular problems, met a spectacular friend and together saved the world. The few flaws in the series are generally insignificant, since the audience has to suspend their disbelief to really get into the show anyways. While overall, not quite as good as the original season, it is quality entertainment, and I look forward to the rescue of Hopper from the Upside Down in season 4. Because, ya know, that’s what’s gonna happen. Overall ranking: 7.8/10.

Clout Chaser Could Get 20 Years In Jail for Licking Ice Cream In Stores and Replacing It

Look, I love a good prank as much as the next guy. Leave a Smirnoff Ice in your buddy’s bed, swap out their salt for sugar, set a picture of your butt cheeks as their phone background when they aren’t paying attention. Ya know, funny stuff with 2 HUGE conditions:

1. You know the person.

2. Everyone understands the limits.

But this woman…this monster…just watch the video.

What in the fuck are you doing? Launch this woman directly into the sun, do not pass go, do not collect $200. This is not a prank, this is a monstrosity, good lawd.

Seriously though, of all good and holy things you could corrupt? ICE CREAM? You would turn ICE CREAM against us? It’s a cruel world out there, where ya gotta investigate every scoop of ice cream before you eat it.

Look, not only is this a low down nasty ass move, but this prank just isn’t even funny, my guy. “HAHA got you, now you have a multitude of bacteria and potential diseases that have been festering on this cream for a week!” Isn’t that funny???

Apparently this woman has been identified and is facing 2-20 years in prison and up to $10,000 in fines. GOOD. GREAT. But now these nasty ass kids are gonna be licking ice cream cartons all over the country, and this nightmare will never end.

Fuck clout chasin and fuck this woman. Damn. Taking the last vestige of hope and joy and destroying it, crushing it to little, licked, inedible bits.

USWNT Just Broke the Record for Single Season Soccer Jersey Sales, Beating the likes of Barcelona, Real Madrid Men’s Teams

With the Women’s World Cup ongoing, it’s no surprise that sales of the US women’s jersey are through the roof for Nike, especially given their “Year of Woman” as campaign. What is surprising, though, is that the US women’s jersey sales have surpassed every record for single season, single team jersey sales. Beating the US men’s World Cup jerseys in 2014, beating soccer titans like Barcelona and even the Brazil men’s national team.

It’s time for the old “women’s teams don’t drive revenue” argument to be put to rest. Jersey sales aren’t everything of course. Viewership for the women’s World Cup is the highest it’s ever been, with the US v ENG game surpassing the viewership for this year’s champions league final.

I’m not accountant, but paying women’s professional soccer players on average a tenth of what the males make, when revenue off their likeness and abilities is rapidly approaching equal footing just seems absurd.

Kim Kardashian’s “Kimono” Line is a Hilarious Reminder of Just How Dumb the Kardashians are

They’ve done it again. Just when you thought the Kardashian’s ate the trash for the last time, they do it again.

Hm…passionate about it for 15 years…ok got it…developing for a full year…great, good… “let’s call it Kim-ono.” Are you fucking joking.

Fun fact for you Kim! Kimono is traditional Japanese dress, and I know it may be hard for you to understand, but just cuz it has your name in it, does not mean it’s yours to appropriate. Classic tone deaf move from a tone deaf family. You’ve been developing this for a year? THIS?! And not a single person told you that this might be a bad idea? That Kimono existed long before your name was Kim?

The Kardashians continue to be the painted (plastic) clowns of the 21st century. All you can do is laugh

England Fans Are Big Mad Over Alex Morgan Stuntin on Em

In case you live under a rock, the women’s World Cup is ongoing. The US happens to be really really good (women only…the men’s team is still awful).

The US has been slaughtering teams left and right on their way to an unprecedented 3rd straight WWC final. Their latest victim? England.

After her 6th goal of the tournament, US Captain Alex Morgan faked sipping tea in a hilarious, in-your-face move that apparently made most England fans quite upset.

Aside from being a hilarious show of dominance by Morgan, this is a perfectly tailored celebration for the moment. I mean come on, even I fancy a spot of tea while watching our women smoke the brits.

Of course a few salty English fans took offense to the celebration.

That’s the most ‘offense’ the English could muster in the whole second half. Theresa May should take a note or two on how the Americans do Brexit.

We get it, you lost, you’re upset. Maybe a nice piping hot cuppa FREEDOM would help.

That’s the tea, sis.